To love your students makes you vulnerable. Until this week, I never saw that as a weakness. Only when it is turned and made to hurt does one realize the risk involved with loving your kids.
I constantly try to remind myself that there are students who are grateful. There will always be the ones who need someone more than just a teacher — a mentor, a friend, a confidante. Even when those precious hearts show you what you mean to them, it is still painful when others show you mean nothing to them. It hurts to have it happen to you, but it is even more painful to witness.
I’m grateful for them both. The ones who hurt, intentionally or not, make you stronger, wiser, and a bit more fierce. The ones who need you remind you why you are there, and what it feels like to make a sound and strong investment.
I hope in a few years time, I can read back on this and know I still hold those same values. I hope years from now, I will still be grateful for those that hurt me and those that build me. Because if the ones that hurt are allowed to break things down, then what is left but ruin? I can be of no use to any one if I am ruin.
I have been debating for three days whether or not to post this blog. It’s been a daily struggle, trying to figure out what is okay to write about and what is not, but this is honest and real and hard. I know I have it so much easier than most student teachers, but pain is relative, and this sort of issue is the one that affects me, and my CT, the most. She’s a beautiful person, constantly taking blame for the few faults in her classes. She is an amazing teacher, and I think if I asked her, she might agree that her biggest weakness (and greatest strength) is caring so much about her students. It is easy for me to say, as an outsider and a less invested individual, what is happening in a classroom, but that does not mean I am right. I know nothing compared to the four years she has had these students. So next week, my goal is to hush, to be fair, and to try to react less and observe more. And to be a co-teacher and a friend to this incredible woman who has accepted me and trusted me with the environment of her classroom. It is not my place to change that, nor should I desire it. These kids are only mine by adoption, through her. And I should try my best to see them through her eyes.
Song of the blog:
LOVE WILL TELL US WHERE TO GO // BRIDGIT MENDLER